A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak is not only a look into my every day life, it is also the title of my new forthcoming book. That’s right my friend’s, I wrote a book. And what’s more incredible us that an actual publishing company signed me on! Tate Publishing liked what I sent and offered me a contract. I guess there are more like me than I originally feared, because acquisitions editor, Jeff Foster believes people will find with it, and see the humor in my irrational fear. So, that being said you can understand why I have not written here in quite a while. I am awaiting the cover design and if I like it, we will be ready for promotion and distribution. A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak will be available on E-book for Kendall Fire, through Amazon, Barnes and noble as well as the Tate Publishing website. I hope you will find amusement in my embarrassment. And as I have stated before, much to my ever-living shame, every word written is true!
Today sucked. More yard work, more Spiders. This time it was the Queen Mother of Spiders sitting in MY chair! She knew I wouldn’t do anything except stand there twitching my fingers, stand on my tip toes, crossing my legs as if I had to go to the bathroom! Oh yah, and look STUPID! I looked around but my Flamethrower was in the shop, and I was OUT of RAID. Slowly I backed up, never taking my eyes off her. I reached down for the hose, slowly raising the nozzle and taking aim. I would have preferred an assault rifle but we can’t be too choosy now can we? With full force, I blasted her off my chair and into the neighbor’s yard! With any luck she will find her way into his “Special” shed where he grows those funny plants that smell like Skunk, and stay OUT of my space and OFF my chair! Live to fight another day Colleen….
It’s a lovely spring day. The sun is bright, the breeze is warm, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. A time for planting, gardening, BBQ with friends. All of nature is awake. And unfortunately for this woman writing this story, so are the Spiders! In my life time I have seen some spiders. Big ones, little ones, Black ones, Brown ones, and the occasional White one. Today however, I saw the King. No, NOT Elvis. The King of all spiders. The spider that all other spiders bow to and fall down on all eight legs as he passes by. A spider that could scare a Pit Bull off a meat wagon! If there were a spider underworld, HE would be “Scarface”. I was planting flowers next to the house, and was down on all fours covered in potting soil. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a large dark mass moving slowly not more than 10 inches from my head! I turned and came face to face with HIM! Now here is where the different forms of ” Spider Spazing” happens. First, just for a moment, I went into ” Spider Shock Syndrome”. A little like ” Toxic Shock Syndrome” without that time of the month. Anyway, I felt feverish, light-headed, and nauseated. Then a touch of the ” Holy S@#T” Spaz kicked in. I sucked in mass quantities of air, jumped backwards, and had a very obscene word fly out of my mouth. This is when the ” Crab Crawl Spaz” took full effect. I started crab crawling backwards, never taking my eyes off of ” IT”. All the while a steady stream of obscenities was flowing out of my mouth as I crawled, bringing to the attention of my neighbor with the “Special” Shed my problem. By the time I had crawled halfway across the yard, ” IT ” was gone, and my neighbor was offering me a sample of what grows in his “Special” Shed stating it would “calm my nerves.” I believe it’s either that, or a stiff shot of whatever is in our liquor cabinet! As for the rest of this lovely spring day, I am indoors watching “I love Lucy”, and THAT is where THIS redhead plans on staying! ( I will be heading to Home Depot tomorrow for an assortment of pesticides)
What’s in a name? plenty! “Wolf Spider”, “Pumpkin Spider”, “Halloween Spider”, I was told they are all one in the same. I disagree. I just pulled up a picture of a Wolf Spider and it DID NOT have the big round bubble body the Halloween, Pumpkin Spider has! It look’s way more menacing that the others!! While living in New England, when I worked in my yard there were these Big Brown Spiders with a white egg sac on their back running around the mulch and the folks out that way referred to those as Wolf Spiders. Either way, they ALL make my skin crawl! So today being a stunning 78 degree day I went head first into my yard work. I was on the ground planting bulbs, pulling weeds, and laying down mulch. Out of no where, a “Wolf Spider”, “Ugly Spider”, “Spider from Hell”, ” Shit your pants if it touches you Spider”, whatever you want to call it, RAN ACROSS MY HAND!!! I tend to think this was a “Shit your pants if it touches you Spider”, because that is exactly what I did. One further, I Shit my neighbors pants! He was out side in his yard when he heard my scream. I began with the popular “Drop and Roll Spaz” which was slightly modified as I was already on the ground. Here I improvised, I pulled my hands up, jabbed them into my armpits and rolled over backwards! This was followed up with a touch of the “Shower Spaz”, because when I rolled over backwards I rolled on to the nozzle of the hose, which resulted in spraying my backside, my head, and ultimately the rest of my body with cold water! I threw in a dash of the “So scared I’m stuttering Spaz” as I tried to tell my neighbor what was happening. I just kept rolling backwards trying to put as much distance between IT and ME! I stood up, soaked, covered in dirt, chunks of mulch and grass in my hair, eyes bugged, had a few twitchy body tremors and decided my yard looked good enough for now! So call them what you will, but when one crawls across ANY part of me, I prefer to call them DEAD! So much for the yard work…
The “Almost” Spaz is just that. You “Almost” Spaz. There you are, spending time with family. Gathered around the table after enjoying a highly digestible dinner, talking, laughing, when one of your siblings who has rolled a black piece of electrical tape between his fingers yells, “OH MY GOD! A SPIDER!!!” He then proceeds to flick this balled up tape on you. You jump up so fast, knocking dish’s to the floor, scattering dinner rolls, and before the blood curdling scream can escape your lips, your brain conveys to your eyes, it is not a spider, it is black electrical tape that your Moronic brother flicked on you in hopes of watching one of your famous spaz attacks, but you are not going to humor him, or any other member of your family. You have risen to the occasion, held your head high, and ‘Almost” spazed. That’s right, ALMOST! It’s when you feel an attack, but realize in the nick of time, that no spaz is necessary. I was working in my yard just today. As I made my way between the fence and some trees, I felt it. The creepiest feeling any Aracnaphob can feel. A cobweb! I walked right through it. Immediately there is that familiar knot in your stomach, hands come up, your on the verge of screaming, you start looking all over your body, eyes are bugging, breathing is rapid, and then… WEPH! No Spider. That’s right, it’s a false alarm. The relief one feels after this experience is nothing short of taking a muscle relaxer. That is why it is called, The “Almost” Spaz. Of all Spider Spasm’s, I believe this to be my favorite. It requires no dropping and rolling, no standing there naked soaking wet, no blowing the family Cat out of the window sill with the power washer, just a nice overwhelming feeling of calm when you understand that no spaz was required. A nice feeling indeed!
Please forgive me as I attempt to learn my way around this new site. Computer savoy, I am not! When I write I write about what I know. And what I know are two things. One, I HATE SPIDERS! And two, I am a Spaz. I startle at the slightest thing. I swear I wasn’t always like this. I just became this was in the last two or fifteen years. Honestly! Take last night, I walk into the kitchen and bump into the stove, and the salt shaker falls off the back or the stove and on to the window sill. I let out a scream, heart pounding, and dramatically start backing up to the refrigerator looking like one of those morons from a Friday the 13th movie! My son come’s running into the kitchen, pellet gun in hand, because a scream like that could only mean I am being attacked by a serial rapist, only to find that the salt shaker had fallen behind the fricken stove! Then there is my husband. Always calm, nerves of steel. What I have found is that the more stressful the situation, the more calm he becomes. I have often checked to see if he has a pulse! I keep hoping that one day some of him will rub off on me, but lets face facts. I am a redhead, and I am half Irish. I believe that comes to a FAT CHANCE! A friend recently told me that quite frankly, I should speak of more than just Spazing over Spiders. Broaden my horizons if you will. So with that in mind, I will endeavor to do just that. After all, there is so much out there for a skittish female such as I to spaz about. I started writing about my spider encounters, because it is Spider’s that bother me the most. I know I am not alone is this irrational fear because there is a word that describes it. ARACNAPHOBIA! And as a confirmed Aracnaphob it is my firm belief that this fear gives off a particular pheromone, if you will, that alerts all Spiders to jump, drop, run across any part of me or my surroundings. I also believe there is a Spider network. Spider’s from all neighboring neighborhoods communicate to one another of my location and send out little spider spy’s. And that is why I find them in the shower ( pervert spiders) looking at me through my window (peeping tom spiders) and hanging from my Celine. I call those The Call of Duty spiders. an elite military unit able to track and inform head quarters of my whereabouts. So, for those of you living with the same affliction as I, know you are not alone. Just read my post from time to time and you’ll know that for sure!
A day in my life is sometimes strange, sometimes stressful, but never dull! As if spraying my hair with Raid a couple of months ago wasn’t bad enough, today I sprayed my locks with Degree Deodorant!!!! “Sport ” scented! I need to remember my glass’s! The upswing of all this is that I repel tics and fleas, and my hair will never break a sweat! Glass’s Colleen, Glass’s..