Posts made in March, 2014
Some people deserve to be Slapped! Not only deserve it, but ASK for it! My sister Janice was your quintessential California girl. Waist length blond hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and NOT afraid of Spiders. She was everything I wasn’t. What a thorn in my side! I loved her dearly! Growing up she had pets. Not Cat’s or Dogs, or goldfish like normal kids, but MUCH different kinds of pet’s. She had a Rooster aptly named ” Bully”. He chased me around the yard spurring the backs of my legs till my father realised I WASN’T playing with the Chicken and finally hit it in the head with a brick! She had a Snake, a goat that butted everyone but her! Then there was the Rat named” Socrates”. Used to chase the dog around the yard! And last but NEVER least…. she had a TARANTULA! No, not like the kind of Spiders I call TARANTULAS. A REAL one. She acquired THAT pet AFTER she moved out! Well one day she was playing with it outside. There was a fairly strong breeze and it got tangled up in her long hair! As I said before, she was afraid of nothing. Nothing, that is until it frantically tried climbing up her hair, getting it’s hairy legs more entwined in her hair! She panicked, started pulling it and her hair out, and in her panic she THREW this TARANTULA against the side of her house! No RAID needed after that! I believe it was shortly thereafter she was struck by a bout of normalcy..she got a DOG!
All of us come to a place and time in this life where certain situations test our metal. Show us what we’re made of. Before I became a Mother my irrational fear of Spiders dictated SO MUCH of my life. Will I sit in THAT chair? Will I walk under THAT tree limb? Will I go into THAT Garage? The moment I became a Mother I knew I would walk through fire for that child without a backwards glance. But could I stand up to a Spider for that child? I got my answer when my son was eleven months old. I had taken my little one shopping one day, he was buckled in his car seat. I parked my car, walked to his side and began taking him out. It was at that moment I saw “IT” crawling across my baby’s chest. A BROWN TARANTULA! Now, let me set the scene for you. A crowded New England parking lot at the mall. People walking around, cars pulling in and out, very busy, and ME.. engaging with a Spider! I slapped the Spider off his chest, all the while screaming, holding the baby at arms length, shaking his body back and forth while screaming”DIE YOU BASTARD, DIE”. I’m not sure there is much more a person could do to garner anymore attention than that! People were looking, getting out of their cars, staring. At that point I saw that I had actually got the Spider off my baby and it was now on the floor of my car. I held my baby close while I started stomping with one leg, all the while screaming DIE, DIE!!! I am most fortunate that my children find my spider antics humorous, to say the least. Even at eleven months old, my Dimitri found this hysterical! After I vanquished the eight legged monster I looked around and saw what was once concerned bystanders, just a bunch of highly amused strangers. “Don’t mess with a Mother” I have found, is so much more than a catch phrase. It took becoming a Mother to stand up to a Spider, and it is ONLY for my children I ever would again. Twenty years have passed, my son’s are babies no longer. The upside to this is that now THEY come to MY rescue whenever a Spider makes its presence known. They come welding pellet guns, knives, machetes,books, HAIR SPRAY ( DAM, I taught them well) anything that can kill it. Thank goodness, there had to be some advantages of being a Mother..;)
For better or for worse.I suppose that during a wedding ceremony the ” Official” conducting the marriage injects that little gem of ” For better, or for worse” as a prelude about what’s to come. All of us have to make exceptions to our lives rules when we take on a spouse. For men, it’s usually the acceptances of an extra 35 to 40 pounds of”Pushen Cushion” to his lovely brides backside! For women it’s the acceptance of pot bellies, and bald spots the size of a Buick! But for the Man that takes on a woman with a known case of arachnophobia, all preconceived notions of marital bliss are SHOT! Not three days into our marriage my husband caught a glimpse of things to come. I was pulling clothes out of the dryer when I spotted a BLACK TARANTULA ON MY ARM!!(again, fear magnifies objects, this is MY story therefore I say it WAS a TARANTULA) I screamed a scream. A blood curdling, I’m being attacked with a machete, scream! My dashing new husband drops what he is doing, runs to my aid only to find that the BLACK TARANTULA was nothing more than one of my false eyelashes! We have been blissfully married for nearly two years now, and in that time I have come to know his “Eye roll” very well. The slight smile, the shaking of his head as he walks away. Oh yes,I have come to know it very well! He in turn has come to learn the many variations and tones of my screams. Shrieking scream= TARANTULA. Woot-Woot-Whoa= TARANTULA. Silent scream=TARANTULA.Wild, maniacal scream=TARANTULA. Yet through it all, he has maintained his easygoing, nothing phases me demeanour. Always at the ready for when a TARANTULA should find its way into our home. For better or for worse Darling…
” Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet”…. Like I haven’t heard THAT before! Difference is, is that THIS Miss Muffet would most likely be sucking the cream filling out of a Suzi-Q and chucking the cake over the fence! However when it comes to the “Spider” part..That’s DEAD ON! In my last blog I touched base on the “Drop and Roll” technique. As I have mentioned before, there are MANY ways to Spaz over a Spider, and no two people are the same. For example, I once had a friend that when faced with a Spider would stand motionless. Chest moving up and down very rapidly, hands clinched tight, bug-eyed, never blinking, and although her lips were pressed tightly closed, she could speak well enough to let you know that she was paralyzed with fear! I often wondered why she wasn’t a ventriloquist! This came to be known as “The Stiff and Silent” technique. Once while cutting a gentleman’s hair we were engaged in conversation about weather or not I had ever cut someone’s ear in my 29 years of hairdressing. I was telling him how when I had just started out I had snipped a little boys ear. Just then, out of my peripheral vision I caught something dangling right next to me. It was a HUGE,BROWN SPIDER coming down from the air vent! I went into a slightly modified version of the “Stiff and Silent”.. A gasp escaped my mouth and I THREW MY COMB at the web he was hanging from! Even in my panic I know if the web goes..the Spider goes! At that moment i broke out of the Stiff and Silent and went head first into the “Shriek and Tweak” method. The gentleman, evidently thinking I had cut HIS EAR, grabbed his head, his ear, patted his hair and began checking for blood! It was then that I yelled, “IT’S A SPIDER YOU DORK”! Yes, Spazing over a Spider caused me to call a paying customer a Dork! He was so relieved not to see any blood, I don’t think he even noticed. As this blog continues, we will explore many more Spider Spazing Techniques, and hopefully you, the reader will find the technique that best suits your needs.