Posts made in March, 2014

The Art of Spazing…

The Art of Spazing…

The Art of Spazing… One does not come into this world afraid of Spiders. We have to be taught. My Mother, God love her, made sure I had the equivalent of a Master’s degree from Harvard in the fear of Spiders. It’s not that Spiders are bad. Never think it. Without them the world would be over run with crop killing insects. So I have nothing against them, personally, it’s just that need to do all the wonderful good that they do…SOMEWHERE ELSE! I was born in Northern California, and around the end of the summer you start to see what we Californians call, HALLOWEEN SPIDERS. They are Huge, bubble bodied, multi colored, yard invading, eight foot wide web building SPIDERS FROM HELL! I understand that they are “Harmless”…. OH YEAH? TRY RUNNING THROUGH ONE OF THEIR WEB’S ACCIDENTALLY AND SEE IF A HEART ATTACK IS HARMLESS!! There are many, many forms of Spider Spazing, and no two people are exactly alike. For example, I am a “Screaming, Shrieking, arm flapping, head shaking Spider Spazer. I typically burn off 678 calories per Spaz. My brother however is more of your Calm, I’m so cool, don’t let anyone see that I’ve Shit my pants, OMG it’s a huge Spider, type of Spaz. He carries a can of florescent Orange spray paint around with him at all times during the fall when Halloween Spiders are out in abundance. All over his property in corners of his sheds, work spaces,are very big, very Orange Halloween Spiders! He actually caught his house on fire while hunting spiders one night using a homemade flame thrower! I suppose it’s a good thing he owns his own property and neighbors are few and far between. One of my favorite Spider Spazing Techniques is the infamous ” Drop and Roll” technique. This one is a family specialty. When coming into contact with a spider, or even walking through a web, you IMMEDIATELY drop to the ground and begin rolling. That way IF offending Aracnid IS on your person, you are sure to make Spider ONE with your clothing. It is also customary to be making loud WOOT WOOT sounds as you roll. The Art of Spazing usually takes no time at all to perfect. In my future blogs I will touch base, break down, and explain many such techniques, as well as share my own personal Spider Spazing moments with you, the reader. Remember, keep your enemies close..keep your Raid and Aqua-net hair spray closer..

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The lady likes her Spiders…

The lady likes her Spiders…

The Lady likes her Spiders… I recently was employed by an elderly woman to clean her home. I cannot tell you how old she was. You’d probably have to cut off her head and count the rings in her neck to tell, but OLD! From the moment I approached her home I could tell this was going to be an UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE! There were Spiders, huge, fat Spiders in every window. Every door frame had web’s..which were connected to SPIDERS! “Dear God” I thought, she MUST have cataracts..OVER HER CATARACTS! She noticed my skin crawling and asked if I were ok. When I told her of my fear of Spiders, she laughed at me! Simply smiled and said “They don’t eat much”. I started cleaning the bedroom. The dust was an inch thick. I believe no one had been in that room since the end of World War Two! As I started talking pictures off the wall, you could hear the pulling, stretching sound of cobwebs being pulled! I hadn’t even seen the first Spider when my heart started beating out of my chest. I started twitching, swatting at my head, just in case one had fallen from the Celine. I started cleaning when the first TARANTULA was spotted. They say fear magnifies objects, therefore I SAY it was a TARANTULA! I have heard spiders have four to eight eyes. So as I start flapping my arms around, swatting at my head, welding a can of RAID, how does the Spider know which freak to watch? The ME in the middle, the ME on the right? Which can of RAID should he be watching? Hmmmm.. anyway, it takes a LOT for me to muster the strength to go in for the kill, so I let out a scream and SPRAYED!!! First the Raid, then the Clorox Clean up..WITH BLEACH! As if that wasn’t enough, I mashed him to the wall with a picture frame! As I looked around at the amount of Spiderwebs and thought about how many spiders it took to make them, I finished doing the bare minimum, walked out and told my husband ” YOU CANNOT MAKE ME GO BACK”! There were Spiders in EVERY ROOM, EVERY DRAW, EVERY CORNER! She must have invited the neighbors Spiders to come live with her! It is my belief that if a house has THAT MANY SPIDERS, the homeowner should be able to burn the house down and collect the insurance money. Needless to say, I’ve never gone back to clean again! May she and her Spiders live in peace..

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Aqua net hairspray.. Its not just for HAIR!

My Mother, the woman that taught me EVERYTHING I need to know about Spider Spazing, kept these HUGE cans of Aqua Net hairspray next to her bed. By all accounts you’d think this woman had TEXAS BIG HAIR! But she didn’t use it for her hair. When she would see a spider on the wall she would spray the hell out of it till it stuck to the wall! All eight legs trying in vain to move, then she would break out the fly swatter! WACK! One very stiff, very dead spider! Sometimes she would neglect to wipe it off the wall. I know because while painting her bedroom one summer I found about four dark colored crunchy spider splat’s all over the wall!! Indeed, I learned from the BEST!

"The Author herself".....

That’s right! No Spiders in my house!!!

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“..When along came a spider”…..

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My first time handling a power washer didn’t go as one might hope. I started by washing the  side of the house, then thought, ” What the heck”, I’ll wash under the eaves as well. I couldn’t get high enough to reach, so I saw two large logs that hadn’t yet been chopped into fire wood laying under the eaves. PERFECT! I stood up on the log, saw a Huge Black Spider. I stare…. it stares back.  The log wobbles a little, I lift the handle to the power washer up to spray, and things went horribly wrong! As soon as my shot of Water hit the Spider, it dropped directly in front of my face!! I screamed, fell backwards off the log and on my way down, my power washer spraying at full force, sprays across my open bedroom window, with the family Cat SITTING in the window! The water knocked over my IPod docking station, and shot one REALLY PISSED OFF CAT out of the window sill and across the bedroom floor!  As soon as I hit the ground I proceeded to flap my arms up and.down my body. This method is called”The Flap and Slap”. Onlookers might mistake this motion for being on fire. My hair, clothes, my bedroom, THE CAT were soaked! I regret that the offending arcane, got away.

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Aracanaphobia.. The gift that just keeps on giving!

We all have our own personal” Achilles heel”. For some it’s the fear of height, others it may be the fear of Water Buffalo, but for ME it’s Aracanaphobia. Actually, it’s a step up from that. What I have is Aracana-fricken-phobia! I come by it naturally. You see, my Mother was a visionary. Some parents want to pass things on to their Children, such as a family heirloom, a treasured piece of jewelry, a favorite uncles toupee. But not my Mother. She left me with something far greater. Something I too could pass on to my own children. She left me with the God Awful fear of Spiders!  And she didn’t just leave it to me, heaven’s NO. She gave a little to my brothers too, although if you should ask one of my brothers he will just tell you ” I’m NOT afraid of Spiders.. I just don’t like them”! ( sure, flick one on him and he’ll go into cardiac arrest) THEN he’ll beat the crud out of you! Anyway, Spiders and I have just never gotten along. They don’t like the type of music I listen to, I don’t like their wild parties, they spew silk, I spray Raid.. it gets ugly. When I was sixteen my Mother and I were driving in this blinding rain storm. I had taken a coat from the closest that I hadn’t wore in months, so as we’re driving along I glance down and see to my estimation, a TARANTULA crawling on my leg. So naturally I SCREAM and flick it onto my Mother! She ran the car up onto the sidewalk, we both jumped out of the car and commenced to drop and roll..in the rain. When she had regained the use of her vocal cords, she chased me around the car!  So here I am, a Mother of two sons. Two beautiful son’s… that don’t like spiders either! Anyway, I was recently painting the fence in our back yard. I told my fifteen year old to lend me a hand. As we get to the bottom of the fence, my son looks down and crawling up his arm, by His estimation, a TARANTULA! So…..naturally he flicks it on ME! We proceed to drop and roll ( a family specialty) we are both rolling around like puppies, clothing starts coming off, and the language emitted from my mouth alone should have alerted local authorities. When we were both sure the offending Aracnid was gone, or mashed by our rolling bodies…I CHASED THAT KID AROUND THE YARD!!  And THIS  is what I believe they call “KARMA”.  Thank you Mom!

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