The “Almost” Spaz is just that. You “Almost” Spaz. There you are, spending time with family. Gathered around the table after enjoying a highly digestible dinner, talking, laughing, when one of your siblings who has rolled a black piece of electrical tape between his fingers yells, “OH MY GOD! A SPIDER!!!” He then proceeds to flick this balled up tape on you. You jump up so fast, knocking dish’s to the floor, scattering dinner rolls, and before the blood curdling scream can escape your lips, your brain conveys to your eyes, it is not a spider, it is black electrical tape that your Moronic brother flicked on you in hopes of watching one of your famous spaz attacks, but you are not going to humor him, or any other member of your family. You have risen to the occasion, held your head high, and ‘Almost” spazed. That’s right, ALMOST! It’s when you feel an attack, but realize in the nick of time, that no spaz is necessary. I was working in my yard just today. As I made my way between the fence and some trees, I felt it. The creepiest feeling any Aracnaphob can feel. A cobweb! I walked right through it. Immediately there is that familiar knot in your stomach, hands come up, your on the verge of screaming, you start looking all over your body, eyes are bugging, breathing is rapid, and then… WEPH! No Spider. That’s right, it’s a false alarm. The relief one feels after this experience is nothing short of taking a muscle relaxer. That is why it is called, The “Almost” Spaz. Of all Spider Spasm’s, I believe this to be my favorite. It requires no dropping and rolling, no standing there naked soaking wet, no blowing the family Cat out of the window sill with the power washer, just a nice overwhelming feeling of calm when you understand that no spaz was required. A nice feeling indeed!
Posts made in April, 2014
Please forgive me as I attempt to learn my way around this new site. Computer savoy, I am not! When I write I write about what I know. And what I know are two things. One, I HATE SPIDERS! And two, I am a Spaz. I startle at the slightest thing. I swear I wasn’t always like this. I just became this was in the last two or fifteen years. Honestly! Take last night, I walk into the kitchen and bump into the stove, and the salt shaker falls off the back or the stove and on to the window sill. I let out a scream, heart pounding, and dramatically start backing up to the refrigerator looking like one of those morons from a Friday the 13th movie! My son come’s running into the kitchen, pellet gun in hand, because a scream like that could only mean I am being attacked by a serial rapist, only to find that the salt shaker had fallen behind the fricken stove! Then there is my husband. Always calm, nerves of steel. What I have found is that the more stressful the situation, the more calm he becomes. I have often checked to see if he has a pulse! I keep hoping that one day some of him will rub off on me, but lets face facts. I am a redhead, and I am half Irish. I believe that comes to a FAT CHANCE! A friend recently told me that quite frankly, I should speak of more than just Spazing over Spiders. Broaden my horizons if you will. So with that in mind, I will endeavor to do just that. After all, there is so much out there for a skittish female such as I to spaz about. I started writing about my spider encounters, because it is Spider’s that bother me the most. I know I am not alone is this irrational fear because there is a word that describes it. ARACNAPHOBIA! And as a confirmed Aracnaphob it is my firm belief that this fear gives off a particular pheromone, if you will, that alerts all Spiders to jump, drop, run across any part of me or my surroundings. I also believe there is a Spider network. Spider’s from all neighboring neighborhoods communicate to one another of my location and send out little spider spy’s. And that is why I find them in the shower ( pervert spiders) looking at me through my window (peeping tom spiders) and hanging from my Celine. I call those The Call of Duty spiders. an elite military unit able to track and inform head quarters of my whereabouts. So, for those of you living with the same affliction as I, know you are not alone. Just read my post from time to time and you’ll know that for sure!
A day in my life is sometimes strange, sometimes stressful, but never dull! As if spraying my hair with Raid a couple of months ago wasn’t bad enough, today I sprayed my locks with Degree Deodorant!!!! “Sport ” scented! I need to remember my glass’s! The upswing of all this is that I repel tics and fleas, and my hair will never break a sweat! Glass’s Colleen, Glass’s..
The “I’m too cool to Spaz, Spaz” is seldom used by the Female Aracnaphob. This Spastic technique is a favorite among the Macho, testosterone fueled Male Aracnaphob. The title of this Spaz speaks for itself. As a rule, there are not many Men that like to admit to having a fear of Spiders, so for the male Aracnaphob, mastering this technique is a must! Typically, a scenario could play out like this; A group of men get together for a weekend in the mountains. It is a time to get acquainted with their inner Pioneer, tough as nails, dip in the lip Manhood! A time to drink beer, belch the alphabet, punch each other in the arm’s, and talk about ” The one that got away”. When suddenly, “Dirk”, a large, hulking man with man-hair covering 85 percent of his body, struts off into the woods to relieve himself. When hanging from a branch, inches from his face..a large, looming, black spider. Just dangling.. enjoying the evening breeze. Dirk let’s out a ” WOAH”, jumps back losing the grip on his lower appendage causing him to finish his business down the front of his leg! Quickly, Dirk pats himself down, making a few rapid swatting motions to his face and head, all the while trying NOT to alert his friends of his dilemma. With his mind racing, heart pounding, Dirk forms a plan to foil his friends who are now asking him, “Dude..What’s up”? Followed by belching, and ruckus laughter. Dirk emerges from the woods, and plays off the encounter by scratching himself, and pointing to the front of his pants, and tells his fellow “Dudes” that he has evidently drunk more beer than any of them, and proves this claim by pointing out the large wet spot on the front of his pants! An explosion of hearty laughter fills the evening air, and Dirk has managed to hide the fact that in truth, he was so frightened by a Spider, that he actually urinated on himself! And so, with the twisting of a bottle cap, more beer is consumed, more arms are punched, more alphabets are belched, and none are for the wiser. Smooth Dirk, very smooth…
The ” HOLY S@#T” Spaz is an un-expected encounter with a Spider. It usually occurs when you, the individual, are in the course of performing a task. Weather it be indoor, or out, you are concentrating on what you are doing, about to do, or need to do when without notice, A SPIDER! It is at this moment that you create this loud, lung filling, sucking of air sound. There is an abrupt stop to the movement of your feet, your head snaps back quickly, eyes bulge, and the ONLY thing that comes to mind and escapes your lips is “HOLY S@#T”!! The “HOLY S@#T” Spaz is fairly easy to master. It is actually one of those spasms that comes naturally to most people. Generally speaking, this spaz is followed up by the individual staring continuously, never blinking, while backing up. Putting as much distance between the spider and yourself is of the utmost priority! Once you have established ample distance, and are able to collect your thoughts, you look for something to kill the spider with. This can range from a lead pipe, a book, a shoe, a tire iron, a large un-used air compressor, even a thrown out, unwanted microwave oven! Just remember, in the world of Arachnophobia, you are never alone.