Posts made in May, 2014

“Dear Diary”…

“Dear Diary”…

Dear Diary,
Today sucked. More yard work, more Spiders. This time it was the Queen Mother of Spiders sitting in MY chair! She knew I wouldn’t do anything except stand there twitching my fingers, stand on my tip toes, crossing my legs as if I had to go to the bathroom! Oh yah, and look STUPID! I looked around but my Flamethrower was in the shop, and I was OUT of RAID. Slowly I backed up, never taking my eyes off her. I reached down for the hose, slowly raising the nozzle and taking aim. I would have preferred an assault rifle but we can’t be too choosy now can we? With full force, I blasted her off my chair and into the neighbor’s yard! With any luck she will find her way into his “Special” shed where he grows those funny plants that smell like Skunk, and stay OUT of my space and OFF my chair! Live to fight another day Colleen….

Read More

” A lovely Spring Day”….

It’s a lovely spring day. The sun is bright, the breeze is warm, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. A time for planting, gardening, BBQ with friends. All of nature is awake. And unfortunately for this woman writing this story, so are the Spiders! In my life time I have seen some spiders. Big ones, little ones, Black ones, Brown ones, and the occasional White one. Today however, I saw the King. No, NOT Elvis. The King of all spiders. The spider that all other spiders bow to and fall down on all eight legs as he passes by. A spider that could scare a Pit Bull off a meat wagon! If there were a spider underworld, HE would be “Scarface”. I was planting flowers next to the house, and was down on all fours covered in potting soil. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a large dark mass moving slowly not more than 10 inches from my head! I turned and came face to face with HIM! Now here is where the different forms of ” Spider Spazing” happens. First, just for a moment, I went into ” Spider Shock Syndrome”. A little like ” Toxic Shock Syndrome” without that time of the month. Anyway, I felt feverish, light-headed, and nauseated. Then a touch of the ” Holy S@#T” Spaz kicked in. I sucked in mass quantities of air, jumped backwards, and had a very obscene word fly out of my mouth. This is when the ” Crab Crawl Spaz” took full effect. I started crab crawling backwards, never taking my eyes off of ” IT”. All the while a steady stream of obscenities was flowing out of my mouth as I crawled, bringing to the attention of my neighbor with the “Special” Shed my problem. By the time I had crawled halfway across the yard, ” IT ” was gone, and my neighbor was offering me a sample of what grows in his “Special” Shed stating it would “calm my nerves.” I believe it’s either that, or a stiff shot of whatever is in our liquor cabinet! As for the rest of this lovely spring day, I am indoors watching “I love Lucy”, and THAT is where THIS redhead plans on staying! ( I will be heading to Home Depot tomorrow for an assortment of pesticides)

Read More

What’s in a name?

What’s in a name?

What’s in a name? plenty! “Wolf Spider”, “Pumpkin Spider”, “Halloween Spider”, I was told they are all one in the same. I disagree. I just pulled up a picture of a Wolf Spider and it DID NOT have the big round bubble body the Halloween, Pumpkin Spider has! It look’s way more menacing that the others!! While living in New England, when I worked in my yard there were these Big Brown Spiders with a white egg sac on their back running around the mulch and the folks out that way referred to those as Wolf Spiders. Either way, they ALL make my skin crawl! So today being a stunning 78 degree day I went head first into my yard work. I was on the ground planting bulbs, pulling weeds, and laying down mulch. Out of no where, a “Wolf Spider”, “Ugly Spider”, “Spider from Hell”, ” Shit your pants if it touches you Spider”, whatever you want to call it, RAN ACROSS MY HAND!!! I tend to think this was a “Shit your pants if it touches you Spider”, because that is exactly what I did. One further, I Shit my neighbors pants! He was out side in his yard when he heard my scream. I began with the popular “Drop and Roll Spaz” which was slightly modified as I was already on the ground. Here I improvised, I pulled my hands up, jabbed them into my armpits and rolled over backwards! This was followed up with a touch of the “Shower Spaz”, because when I rolled over backwards I rolled on to the nozzle of the hose, which resulted in spraying my backside, my head, and ultimately the rest of my body with cold water! I threw in a dash of the “So scared I’m stuttering Spaz” as I tried to tell my neighbor what was happening. I just kept rolling backwards trying to put as much distance between IT and ME! I stood up, soaked, covered in dirt, chunks of mulch and grass in my hair, eyes bugged, had a few twitchy body tremors and decided my yard looked good enough for now! So call them what you will, but when one crawls across ANY part of me, I prefer to call them DEAD! So much for the yard work…

Read More

spiders