A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak is not only a look into my every day life, it is also the title of my new forthcoming book. That’s right my friend’s, I wrote a book. And what’s more incredible us that an actual publishing company signed me on! Tate Publishing liked what I sent and offered me a contract. I guess there are more like me than I originally feared, because acquisitions editor, Jeff Foster believes people will find with it, and see the humor in my irrational fear. So, that being said you can understand why I have not written here in quite a while. I am awaiting the cover design and if I like it, we will be ready for promotion and distribution. A day in the life of a Spider Spazing Freak will be available on E-book for Kendall Fire, through Amazon, Barnes and noble as well as the Tate Publishing website. I hope you will find amusement in my embarrassment. And as I have stated before, much to my ever-living shame, every word written is true!
My Mother, the woman that taught me EVERYTHING I need to know about Spider Spazing, kept these HUGE cans of Aqua Net hairspray next to her bed. By all accounts you’d think this woman had TEXAS BIG HAIR! But she didn’t use it for her hair. When she would see a spider on the wall she would spray the hell out of it till it stuck to the wall! All eight legs trying in vain to move, then she would break out the fly swatter! WACK! One very stiff, very dead spider! Sometimes she would neglect to wipe it off the wall. I know because while painting her bedroom one summer I found about four dark colored crunchy spider splat’s all over the wall!! Indeed, I learned from the BEST!
My first time handling a power washer didn’t go as one might hope. I started by washing the side of the house, then thought, ” What the heck”, I’ll wash under the eaves as well. I couldn’t get high enough to reach, so I saw two large logs that hadn’t yet been chopped into fire wood laying under the eaves. PERFECT! I stood up on the log, saw a Huge Black Spider. I stare…. it stares back. The log wobbles a little, I lift the handle to the power washer up to spray, and things went horribly wrong! As soon as my shot of Water hit the Spider, it dropped directly in front of my face!! I screamed, fell backwards off the log and on my way down, my power washer spraying at full force, sprays across my open bedroom window, with the family Cat SITTING in the window! The water knocked over my IPod docking station, and shot one REALLY PISSED OFF CAT out of the window sill and across the bedroom floor! As soon as I hit the ground I proceeded to flap my arms up and.down my body. This method is called”The Flap and Slap”. Onlookers might mistake this motion for being on fire. My hair, clothes, my bedroom, THE CAT were soaked! I regret that the offending arcane, got away.
We all have our own personal” Achilles heel”. For some it’s the fear of height, others it may be the fear of Water Buffalo, but for ME it’s Aracanaphobia. Actually, it’s a step up from that. What I have is Aracana-fricken-phobia! I come by it naturally. You see, my Mother was a visionary. Some parents want to pass things on to their Children, such as a family heirloom, a treasured piece of jewelry, a favorite uncles toupee. But not my Mother. She left me with something far greater. Something I too could pass on to my own children. She left me with the God Awful fear of Spiders! And she didn’t just leave it to me, heaven’s NO. She gave a little to my brothers too, although if you should ask one of my brothers he will just tell you ” I’m NOT afraid of Spiders.. I just don’t like them”! ( sure, flick one on him and he’ll go into cardiac arrest) THEN he’ll beat the crud out of you! Anyway, Spiders and I have just never gotten along. They don’t like the type of music I listen to, I don’t like their wild parties, they spew silk, I spray Raid.. it gets ugly. When I was sixteen my Mother and I were driving in this blinding rain storm. I had taken a coat from the closest that I hadn’t wore in months, so as we’re driving along I glance down and see to my estimation, a TARANTULA crawling on my leg. So naturally I SCREAM and flick it onto my Mother! She ran the car up onto the sidewalk, we both jumped out of the car and commenced to drop and roll..in the rain. When she had regained the use of her vocal cords, she chased me around the car! So here I am, a Mother of two sons. Two beautiful son’s… that don’t like spiders either! Anyway, I was recently painting the fence in our back yard. I told my fifteen year old to lend me a hand. As we get to the bottom of the fence, my son looks down and crawling up his arm, by His estimation, a TARANTULA! So…..naturally he flicks it on ME! We proceed to drop and roll ( a family specialty) we are both rolling around like puppies, clothing starts coming off, and the language emitted from my mouth alone should have alerted local authorities. When we were both sure the offending Aracnid was gone, or mashed by our rolling bodies…I CHASED THAT KID AROUND THE YARD!! And THIS is what I believe they call “KARMA”. Thank you Mom!