The “I’m too cool to Spaz, Spaz” is seldom used by the Female Aracnaphob. This Spastic technique is a favorite among the Macho, testosterone fueled Male Aracnaphob. The title of this Spaz speaks for itself. As a rule, there are not many Men that like to admit to having a fear of Spiders, so for the male Aracnaphob, mastering this technique is a must! Typically, a scenario could play out like this; A group of men get together for a weekend in the mountains. It is a time to get acquainted with their inner Pioneer, tough as nails, dip in the lip Manhood! A time to drink beer, belch the alphabet, punch each other in the arm’s, and talk about ” The one that got away”. When suddenly, “Dirk”, a large, hulking man with man-hair covering 85 percent of his body, struts off into the woods to relieve himself. When hanging from a branch, inches from his face..a large, looming, black spider. Just dangling.. enjoying the evening breeze. Dirk let’s out a ” WOAH”, jumps back losing the grip on his lower appendage causing him to finish his business down the front of his leg! Quickly, Dirk pats himself down, making a few rapid swatting motions to his face and head, all the while trying NOT to alert his friends of his dilemma. With his mind racing, heart pounding, Dirk forms a plan to foil his friends who are now asking him, “Dude..What’s up”? Followed by belching, and ruckus laughter. Dirk emerges from the woods, and plays off the encounter by scratching himself, and pointing to the front of his pants, and tells his fellow “Dudes” that he has evidently drunk more beer than any of them, and proves this claim by pointing out the large wet spot on the front of his pants! An explosion of hearty laughter fills the evening air, and Dirk has managed to hide the fact that in truth, he was so frightened by a Spider, that he actually urinated on himself! And so, with the twisting of a bottle cap, more beer is consumed, more arms are punched, more alphabets are belched, and none are for the wiser. Smooth Dirk, very smooth…
The ” HOLY S@#T” Spaz is an un-expected encounter with a Spider. It usually occurs when you, the individual, are in the course of performing a task. Weather it be indoor, or out, you are concentrating on what you are doing, about to do, or need to do when without notice, A SPIDER! It is at this moment that you create this loud, lung filling, sucking of air sound. There is an abrupt stop to the movement of your feet, your head snaps back quickly, eyes bulge, and the ONLY thing that comes to mind and escapes your lips is “HOLY S@#T”!! The “HOLY S@#T” Spaz is fairly easy to master. It is actually one of those spasms that comes naturally to most people. Generally speaking, this spaz is followed up by the individual staring continuously, never blinking, while backing up. Putting as much distance between the spider and yourself is of the utmost priority! Once you have established ample distance, and are able to collect your thoughts, you look for something to kill the spider with. This can range from a lead pipe, a book, a shoe, a tire iron, a large un-used air compressor, even a thrown out, unwanted microwave oven! Just remember, in the world of Arachnophobia, you are never alone.
SUMMER MEMORIES… thinking back to a time when we were young, our parents could do anything, we had our youth, our friends, and all the time in the world. And if you were an eight year old Aracnaphob by the name of Colleen, you have a summer memory that will never go away! Growing up in Northern California back in the early seventies, life didn’t get much slower, anymore laid back. During the summer you were out of the house at dawn, and aside of coming home for lunch, you stayed out till dark! Your friends were the neighbor kids, everyone had a bike, and at one time or another, everyone wound up at your house. This was one such time. It was the month of July, and it had to have been eighty degree’s outside. My brothers, the neighbor kids, my sister and myself had been outside all day. I had been riding my bike under and around a huge tree out in the yard. My father was home, the radio was playing in the kitchen. Everyone decided to come into the house for something to drink. “Something to drink ” in our time meant water from the sink! If you were out to impress, you added a couple of ice cubes. There had to have been seven kids sitting around the kitchen table. Everyone had a glass of water. But here, I was different. I had one of my Fathers Beer mugs. It was filled with ice cubes, water, and I had slid my hand through the handle to the point of getting it stuck! Everyone was talking, laughing, when I felt a tickle in my ear. With my free hand, I stuck my finger in my ear and out pops the biggest, blackest spider my eight year old eyes had EVER seen! What happened next took place in what I am sure was only seconds, but felt like slow motion. I saw that I had flicked the spider onto the floor. I began screaming, and with the hand that was stuck in the handle of the beer mug, I began to start swinging my arms. As I did this, everyone at the table was doused in ice water, ice cubes, and this INCLUDED my Fathers radio! Chairs were tipping over as all in the kitchen tried to get away and take cover from the flying ice water. I was screaming hysterically, hand still stuck in the beer mugs handle, teenaged boys diving for cover under the table, a couple of them were falling over each other like puppies as they tried to make for the door. My Father, a former Marine, and NOT afraid of spiders, used swear words that I believe came from a dead language, when out of no where my sister, bare footed, walked over to the spider and stepped on it! She lifted up her foot and said, “See, all gone”. Actually, it wasn’t gone, it was a large black mash spot on the bottom of her foot! There was no one offering words of comfort to me. Just the opposite. I was met with glares, and snide remarks from a kitchen full of wet kids. Needless to say, I wasn’t invited to go along when everyone left to go outside and play. And to this very day, I FREAK when I feel anything tickling my ear! So much for summer memories!
THE SPIDER SPASM… As I have mentioned, not all Spider Spasms have a documented, and written in stone, name. Some Spider Spasms are created at the precise moment that the Spaz occurs. It is important however, that the individual engaging in the spaz, do his or her best to remember every movement that the body makes, beginning with the spastic facial expressions, arm flaps, leg kicks, the sounds made during the spaz, and ending with the final position that the body comes to rest in when spaz has come to a complete and total stop. It is also highly beneficial to the credibility of the individual naming the spaz, if he or she has a witness that can attest that the spaz in question is truthful and correct. I pride myself for having named several Spider Spasms. My most recent was born of ignorance on my part. A friend was telling me that my spider worries were over for at least the duration of winter, as Spiders will not be in ” season” during the cold spell’s. I believed her. So later in the week, filled with confidence, I walked outside to the wood pile to bring in wood for the fire. I load up my arms, stand up and catch detectable movement on the piece of wood closest to my face! Crawling towards my bare arm was the star of the 1956 motion picture “TARANTULA”! ( As I have also made mention, fear magnifies objects, so this may have been the stand-in for the star) My eyes bugged, and the scream emitting from my voice could only be heard by dogs! My arm load of wood was thrown up and away from my body. It was most unfortunate that my husbands truck was in the line of fire of the hurling wood! As I stepped back trying to distance myself from the spider that was on the wood which was now on the truck, I tripped over the wood pile, fell backwards and rolled in dirt and wood chips, all of which stuck to me like I had stuck them there on purpose! Out of this was born “The Spider wood-chuck Huck”. You can only lay claim to this one if all steps described are followed. And that includes falling over a wood pile and ends with rolling in dirt and wood chips! I enlisted the help of my husband to retrieve the wood off his hood, and once again, as is so common in dealing with spiders, the spider had disappeared! I walked away from this experience a little wiser, a little less trusting! And from now on, the men in the family can get their own dam wood!
Once again, today’s blog is on a personal note. As I have made mention, there are MANY, MANY, Spider Spazing Techniques. Most have been tried and tested, and passed down from generation to generation. However, some are born out of a particular, unforseen circumstance. When this happens…. you swing from the hip. This is where the creation of the “Shower Spaz” came to light. I was taking a shower and had just applied shampoo to my hair. I got a good lather going and was concerned as some seemed to be getting into my eyes. It was really starting to sting, when with one eye only partially open I saw IT. The Lord’s prayer began coming to mind as I quickly tried to get the shampoo out of my eyes, while NEVER taking my ONE eye off of IT’S eight eyes! As I leaned into the stream of water, IT MOVED! TOWARDS ME! Thus, the birth of the Shower Spaz. I set to screaming and began this pathetic “Flash Dance” tip toed jogging in place motion. Soap was flying, water was spraying, eyes were stinging, when I grab my shower poof and hurl it at the unwelcome intruder, when as fate would have it, IT DISAPPEARS! I believe this is the moment when an Aracnaphob comes to know what true fear is. With soap stinging my eyes, I scan the Shower like some quivering Cyclops..and THERE IT WAS! In the corner of the bathtub, watching all eight of ME! For a brief moment I thought to myself, ” maybe I could just live with it for three days while I apply for a hand gun permit”. Then with a surge of adrenaline like I have never known, poof in hand I lunged and MASHED!! That’s right, ME, the naked, flash dancing, screaming, Cyclops killed a Spider all by MYSELF!! It was on that day I found out what I was made of. I stood a little taller, walked a little prouder..and it was comforting to know there would be days that I could at last, leave the can of RAID at home.
Some people deserve to be Slapped! Not only deserve it, but ASK for it! My sister Janice was your quintessential California girl. Waist length blond hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and NOT afraid of Spiders. She was everything I wasn’t. What a thorn in my side! I loved her dearly! Growing up she had pets. Not Cat’s or Dogs, or goldfish like normal kids, but MUCH different kinds of pet’s. She had a Rooster aptly named ” Bully”. He chased me around the yard spurring the backs of my legs till my father realised I WASN’T playing with the Chicken and finally hit it in the head with a brick! She had a Snake, a goat that butted everyone but her! Then there was the Rat named” Socrates”. Used to chase the dog around the yard! And last but NEVER least…. she had a TARANTULA! No, not like the kind of Spiders I call TARANTULAS. A REAL one. She acquired THAT pet AFTER she moved out! Well one day she was playing with it outside. There was a fairly strong breeze and it got tangled up in her long hair! As I said before, she was afraid of nothing. Nothing, that is until it frantically tried climbing up her hair, getting it’s hairy legs more entwined in her hair! She panicked, started pulling it and her hair out, and in her panic she THREW this TARANTULA against the side of her house! No RAID needed after that! I believe it was shortly thereafter she was struck by a bout of normalcy..she got a DOG!