Never mess with a Mother..

All of us come to a place and time in this life where certain situations test our metal. Show us what we’re made of. Before I became a Mother my irrational fear of Spiders dictated SO MUCH of my life. Will I sit in THAT chair? Will I walk under THAT tree limb? Will I go into THAT Garage? The moment I became a Mother I knew I would walk through fire for that child without a backwards glance. But could I stand up to a Spider for that child? I got my answer when my son was eleven months old. I had taken my little one shopping one day, he was buckled in his car seat. I parked my car, walked to his side and began taking him out. It was at that moment I saw “IT” crawling across my baby’s chest. A BROWN TARANTULA! Now, let me set the scene for you. A crowded New England parking lot at the mall. People walking around, cars pulling in and out, very busy, and ME.. engaging with a Spider! I slapped the Spider off his chest, all the while screaming, holding the baby at arms length, shaking his body back and forth while screaming”DIE YOU BASTARD, DIE”. I’m not sure there is much more a person could do to garner anymore attention than that! People were looking, getting out of their cars, staring. At that point I saw that I had actually got the Spider off my baby and it was now on the floor of my car. I held my baby close while I started stomping with one leg, all the while screaming DIE, DIE!!! I am most fortunate that my children find my spider antics humorous, to say the least. Even at eleven months old, my Dimitri found this hysterical! After I vanquished the eight legged monster I looked around and saw what was once concerned bystanders, just a bunch of highly amused strangers. “Don’t mess with a Mother” I have found, is so much more than a catch phrase. It took becoming a Mother to stand up to a Spider, and it is ONLY for my children I ever would again. Twenty years have passed, my son’s are babies no longer. The upside to this is that now THEY come to MY rescue whenever a Spider makes its presence known. They come welding pellet guns, knives, machetes,books, HAIR SPRAY ( DAM, I taught them well) anything that can kill it. Thank goodness, there had to be some advantages of being a Mother..;)

EXACTLY how I talk to Spiders

EXACTLY how I talk to Spiders

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For better, or for worse…

For better, or for worse…

 

 

 

For better or for worse.I suppose that during a wedding ceremony the ” Official” conducting the marriage injects that little gem of ” For better, or for worse” as a prelude about what’s to come. All of us have to make exceptions to our lives rules when we take on a spouse. For men, it’s usually the acceptances of an extra 35 to 40 pounds of”Pushen Cushion” to his lovely brides backside! For women it’s the acceptance of pot bellies, and bald spots the size of a Buick! But for the Man that takes on a woman with a known case of arachnophobia, all preconceived notions of marital bliss are SHOT! Not three days into our marriage my husband caught a glimpse of things to come. I was pulling clothes out of the dryer when I spotted a BLACK TARANTULA ON MY ARM!!(again, fear magnifies objects, this is MY story therefore I say it WAS a TARANTULA) I screamed a scream. A blood curdling, I’m being attacked with a machete, scream! My dashing new husband drops what he is doing, runs to my aid only to find that the BLACK TARANTULA was nothing more than one of my false eyelashes! We have been blissfully married for nearly two years now, and in that time I have come to know his “Eye roll” very well. The slight smile, the shaking of his head as he walks away. Oh yes,I have come to know it very well! He in turn has come to learn the many variations and tones of my screams. Shrieking scream= TARANTULA. Woot-Woot-Whoa= TARANTULA. Silent scream=TARANTULA.Wild, maniacal scream=TARANTULA. Yet through it all, he has maintained his easygoing, nothing phases me demeanour. Always at the ready for when a TARANTULA should find its way into our home. For better or for worse Darling…

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Little Miss Muffet….

Little Miss Muffet….

th_spiderLittle Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet”…. Like I haven’t heard THAT before! Difference is, is that THIS Miss Muffet would most likely be sucking the cream filling out of a Suzi-Q and chucking the cake over the fence! However when it comes to the “Spider” part..That’s DEAD ON! In my last blog I touched base on the “Drop and Roll” technique. As I have mentioned before, there are MANY ways to Spaz over a Spider, and no two people are the same. For example, I once had a friend that when faced with a Spider would stand motionless. Chest moving up and down very rapidly, hands clinched tight, bug-eyed, never blinking, and although her lips were pressed tightly closed, she could speak well enough to let you know that she was paralyzed with fear! I often wondered why she wasn’t a ventriloquist! This came to be known as “The Stiff and Silent” technique. Once while cutting a gentleman’s hair we were engaged in conversation about weather or not I had ever cut someone’s ear in my 29 years of hairdressing. I was telling him how when I had just started out I had snipped a little boys ear. Just then, out of my peripheral vision I caught something dangling right next to me. It was a HUGE,BROWN SPIDER coming down from the air vent! I went into a slightly modified version of the “Stiff and Silent”.. A gasp escaped my mouth and I THREW MY COMB at the web he was hanging from! Even in my panic I know if the web goes..the Spider goes! At that moment i broke out of the Stiff and Silent and went head first into the “Shriek and Tweak” method. The gentleman, evidently thinking I had cut HIS EAR, grabbed his head, his ear, patted his hair and began checking for blood! It was then that I yelled, “IT’S A SPIDER YOU DORK”! Yes, Spazing over a Spider caused me to call a paying customer a Dork! He was so relieved not to see any blood, I don’t think he even noticed. As this blog continues, we will explore many more Spider Spazing Techniques, and hopefully you, the reader will find the technique that best suits your needs.

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The Art of Spazing…

The Art of Spazing…

The Art of Spazing… One does not come into this world afraid of Spiders. We have to be taught. My Mother, God love her, made sure I had the equivalent of a Master’s degree from Harvard in the fear of Spiders. It’s not that Spiders are bad. Never think it. Without them the world would be over run with crop killing insects. So I have nothing against them, personally, it’s just that need to do all the wonderful good that they do…SOMEWHERE ELSE! I was born in Northern California, and around the end of the summer you start to see what we Californians call, HALLOWEEN SPIDERS. They are Huge, bubble bodied, multi colored, yard invading, eight foot wide web building SPIDERS FROM HELL! I understand that they are “Harmless”…. OH YEAH? TRY RUNNING THROUGH ONE OF THEIR WEB’S ACCIDENTALLY AND SEE IF A HEART ATTACK IS HARMLESS!! There are many, many forms of Spider Spazing, and no two people are exactly alike. For example, I am a “Screaming, Shrieking, arm flapping, head shaking Spider Spazer. I typically burn off 678 calories per Spaz. My brother however is more of your Calm, I’m so cool, don’t let anyone see that I’ve Shit my pants, OMG it’s a huge Spider, type of Spaz. He carries a can of florescent Orange spray paint around with him at all times during the fall when Halloween Spiders are out in abundance. All over his property in corners of his sheds, work spaces,are very big, very Orange Halloween Spiders! He actually caught his house on fire while hunting spiders one night using a homemade flame thrower! I suppose it’s a good thing he owns his own property and neighbors are few and far between. One of my favorite Spider Spazing Techniques is the infamous ” Drop and Roll” technique. This one is a family specialty. When coming into contact with a spider, or even walking through a web, you IMMEDIATELY drop to the ground and begin rolling. That way IF offending Aracnid IS on your person, you are sure to make Spider ONE with your clothing. It is also customary to be making loud WOOT WOOT sounds as you roll. The Art of Spazing usually takes no time at all to perfect. In my future blogs I will touch base, break down, and explain many such techniques, as well as share my own personal Spider Spazing moments with you, the reader. Remember, keep your enemies close..keep your Raid and Aqua-net hair spray closer..

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The lady likes her Spiders…

The lady likes her Spiders…

The Lady likes her Spiders… I recently was employed by an elderly woman to clean her home. I cannot tell you how old she was. You’d probably have to cut off her head and count the rings in her neck to tell, but OLD! From the moment I approached her home I could tell this was going to be an UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE! There were Spiders, huge, fat Spiders in every window. Every door frame had web’s..which were connected to SPIDERS! “Dear God” I thought, she MUST have cataracts..OVER HER CATARACTS! She noticed my skin crawling and asked if I were ok. When I told her of my fear of Spiders, she laughed at me! Simply smiled and said “They don’t eat much”. I started cleaning the bedroom. The dust was an inch thick. I believe no one had been in that room since the end of World War Two! As I started talking pictures off the wall, you could hear the pulling, stretching sound of cobwebs being pulled! I hadn’t even seen the first Spider when my heart started beating out of my chest. I started twitching, swatting at my head, just in case one had fallen from the Celine. I started cleaning when the first TARANTULA was spotted. They say fear magnifies objects, therefore I SAY it was a TARANTULA! I have heard spiders have four to eight eyes. So as I start flapping my arms around, swatting at my head, welding a can of RAID, how does the Spider know which freak to watch? The ME in the middle, the ME on the right? Which can of RAID should he be watching? Hmmmm.. anyway, it takes a LOT for me to muster the strength to go in for the kill, so I let out a scream and SPRAYED!!! First the Raid, then the Clorox Clean up..WITH BLEACH! As if that wasn’t enough, I mashed him to the wall with a picture frame! As I looked around at the amount of Spiderwebs and thought about how many spiders it took to make them, I finished doing the bare minimum, walked out and told my husband ” YOU CANNOT MAKE ME GO BACK”! There were Spiders in EVERY ROOM, EVERY DRAW, EVERY CORNER! She must have invited the neighbors Spiders to come live with her! It is my belief that if a house has THAT MANY SPIDERS, the homeowner should be able to burn the house down and collect the insurance money. Needless to say, I’ve never gone back to clean again! May she and her Spiders live in peace..

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Aqua net hairspray.. Its not just for HAIR!

My Mother, the woman that taught me EVERYTHING I need to know about Spider Spazing, kept these HUGE cans of Aqua Net hairspray next to her bed. By all accounts you’d think this woman had TEXAS BIG HAIR! But she didn’t use it for her hair. When she would see a spider on the wall she would spray the hell out of it till it stuck to the wall! All eight legs trying in vain to move, then she would break out the fly swatter! WACK! One very stiff, very dead spider! Sometimes she would neglect to wipe it off the wall. I know because while painting her bedroom one summer I found about four dark colored crunchy spider splat’s all over the wall!! Indeed, I learned from the BEST!

"The Author herself".....

That’s right! No Spiders in my house!!!

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“..When along came a spider”…..

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My first time handling a power washer didn’t go as one might hope. I started by washing the  side of the house, then thought, ” What the heck”, I’ll wash under the eaves as well. I couldn’t get high enough to reach, so I saw two large logs that hadn’t yet been chopped into fire wood laying under the eaves. PERFECT! I stood up on the log, saw a Huge Black Spider. I stare…. it stares back.  The log wobbles a little, I lift the handle to the power washer up to spray, and things went horribly wrong! As soon as my shot of Water hit the Spider, it dropped directly in front of my face!! I screamed, fell backwards off the log and on my way down, my power washer spraying at full force, sprays across my open bedroom window, with the family Cat SITTING in the window! The water knocked over my IPod docking station, and shot one REALLY PISSED OFF CAT out of the window sill and across the bedroom floor!  As soon as I hit the ground I proceeded to flap my arms up and.down my body. This method is called”The Flap and Slap”. Onlookers might mistake this motion for being on fire. My hair, clothes, my bedroom, THE CAT were soaked! I regret that the offending arcane, got away.

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